


Honey, I Shrunk the Boss

by AoSCrackWhore



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Bus Kids - Freeform, Crack, Everybody hates Nathanson, F/M, Fake Science, Feels, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Humor, Maybe some arguing but it all works out in the end, They all lived happily ever after, This is the closest to a baby fic I'll ever attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-27
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-20 07:45:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9481535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AoSCrackWhore/pseuds/AoSCrackWhore
Summary: When FitzSimmons try to build a Terrigenesis-suspending device, they accidentally turn Coulson into a baby. The team then has to scramble to turn him back to his actual age, but also start wondering whether they should…





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is only slightly canon-divergent from S4a, i.e. Daisy comes back earlier and far less publicly. Un-beta'd, I hope you enjoy :)

“…And then the anti-terrigenetic capsule expulsion mechanism at the front here,” Simmons continued, pointing to a small pistol-like device mounted on a desk in the lab, “delivers it with the required force right into the subcutaneous tissue of the person that has been exposed to the Terrigen, suspending the mutation of their DNA immediately, until such time as the person has decided they wish to undergo it, when just a small surgical intervention would be required to remove the implant. It’s all _quite_ elegant, if I say so myself.”

“Looks good,” Coulson said, nodding. “How long do you think before we’d be able to use it in the field?”

“Well, ideally, it would undergo _years_ of testing before it’s been rolled out for mass…” Jemma started, but Fitz interjected.

“We can have a dozen workable prototypes ready for you by the end of the week if necessary, sir,” he said, sneaking a worried glance at Jemma’s uncomfortable face.

“But we’d really appreciate as much time for testing as we could possibly get, _sir_ ,” she told Coulson, arms crossed against her chest, resolute and watching Fitz disapprovingly from the corner of her eye.

“Right,” Coulson said, “we can’t afford any more PR disasters, per the new management’s orders, so I’d go the cautious route with this one, as much as I’d like us to be able to offer Inhumans an option as soon as possible. I’m lucky they even let me anywhere _near_ projects like this. Keep working on it and get back to me when you’re comfortable with your progress. Good work,” he said, nodding individually at both Fitz and Simmons, whose shoulders had now relaxed, and Jemma gave her partner a little smug smile and head tilt.

Just as the former director turned to leave the lab, however, a powerful earthquake rumbled through the base, knocking almost everything and everyone down to the ground. FitzSimmons scrambled for each other amid the sounds of breakage and cracking, slinking under one of the benches until the shaking subsided. When everything quieted down, they slipped out from under it, only to find a crying baby rolled up in a grown man’s suit on the ground and the new gun they’d designed lying across from it, a thin string of smoke rising from it.

 

 

“What the…” was all that Fitz was able to utter when he saw it. He and Simmons were up on their feet now and cautiously, slowly approached the screaming bundle of annoyance by the door. The lab techs’ heads were popping up from under the desks and looking around for the source of the screeching. Fitz stared mouth-agape at Jemma’s ashen face as she knelt down, put her hand gently on the baby’s belly and turned around to ask him “You can see it, too, right?”

Fitz could only nod and swallow audibly, unblinking. He joined her on the floor and softly patted the baby’s head now that Jemma had picked it up.

“Who– whose baby is this?” she asked loudly over its crying, but all the lab techs either shook their heads or shrugged, looking at one another in puzzlement. This only angered her. “You better tell me which one of you had the _poor sense_ to bring a _baby_ into the lab, or I swear to…”

“Jemma, Jemma, look,” Fitz stopped her rant, taking Coulson’s bionic arm out of the empty suit sleeve the baby was still wrapped up in and showed it to her, eyes wide with realization.

“Oh _nooo_ … No, no, no!” Jemma yelled. “It can’t be!” But Fitz’s freaked-out expression told her that it indeed _could_ be, and a look into the baby’s familiar blue eyes confirmed it – they had properly, massively, royally, and potentially irrevocably, screwed up this time.

 

 

“How is this even _possible_!?” Jemma cried, clearly unraveling. The junior agent they’d dispatched to the drugstore had now come back with several massive packs of diapers, citing not knowing what kind and size to get as the reason for the mountain of bags on Simmons’s lab bench.

Fitz, lifting his head away from the tablet he’d been frantically going through the device’s specs on, rubbed her arm and said “Jemma, Jemma, take a breath, we’ll figure this out like we always do.”

“Fitz, I’m about to put a nappy on my boss of several years. I’m pretty certain nothing we’ve been through before has prepared us for _quite_ this situation,” she said, exhaling laboriously, and continued to pace back and forth in the lab, gently rocking the still inconsolable baby in her arms as the technicians were tidying up all around her.

“Heeeey, guuuuys,” approached a familiar voice from the hallway as its source came to an abrupt stop. “Whoa, wait, what!? I wasn’t gone for _that_ long, was I?” Daisy asked in shock.

“Oh my god, Daisy!” Jemma yelped, turning around just as Fitz started to stride towards her.

“What _the hell_ , D!” he yelled, getting all up in her face. “What _on earth_ would possess you to shake the bloody base!? And after months of being gone!? And after last time!? Have you _any_ idea…”

“Whoa, whoa, Scottish Thunder, would you mind first explaining to me why Jemma is in the lab holding a baby wrapped up in what looks like a grown man’s dress shirt!?” Daisy said, gesticulating pointedly.

“It’s Coulson,” Jemma answered softly, barely heard by her friend over the baby’s now somewhat quieter sounds.

“Wait, you named your baby ‘Coulson?’ Aww, that’s sweet,” she cooed, moving closer and letting the little one grab her finger.

“It’s not _our_ baby, you numpty, you haven’t been gone for that long, you must know the length of the human gestation period…” she stopped saying when she turned and saw Fitz now standing next to her, arms crossed and a humorless look on his face directed at the two of them. “It’s _Coulson_ Coulson.”

“ _What_?” Daisy said, getting even more confused and pretty sure the geeks were pranking her. “Wait, you didn’t _clone_ him, did you!? I should’ve known, you Scots with your cloning…”

“Hey, don’t put this on me _or_ my people! Seriously, you clone _one_ sheep…,” he trailed off for a second before clasping his hands together and continuing. “You’re the one who waltzed in here after who knows how much time and found it all fine and dandy to shake the whole ruddy base, causing that gun right there,” Fitz paused, pointing dramatically with both hands to the now remounted device, “to fire a Terrigenesis-suspending implant into Coulson’s neck, who we happened to be presenting it to when _you_ … Why were you using your powers anyway!?”

The expression on Daisy’s face was essentially scandalized. “I didn’t do anything, I just flew in and they asked me to jimmy the hangar roof door open all the way because it apparently started sticking when they repaired it after I fucked shit up when I was Hived… Okay, _maybe_ I did that _one_ wrong thing, but how was I supposed to know you and Jemma would be working on… What, an anti-Terrigenesis _weapon_!? Do you maybe wanna start _that_ conversation with me right now? And how _in the hell_ did that turn into you two ‘geniuses’ babifying Coulson!?” Daisy ranted animatedly, air quotes and all, as Fitz and Jemma’s faces shifted from angry to sorry to upset.

“I don’t know! I don’t know what I did! I don’t know how this is even possible,” Jemma started yelling now, too, tears springing from her eyes, and Fitz rushed over to take the baby from her and handed him off to Daisy, who tried to wave him off, but the engineer was faster than her. He hugged Simmons and she sobbed into his shoulder, holding him tight. He smoothed a hand over her hair, placing gentle kisses on her forehead and whispering “it’s okay” into her ear. When she was able to pull herself together a little bit, she begrudgingly extricated herself from Fitz’s embrace and wiped at her cheeks with her wrist. When they turned around, they found Daisy sitting on a chair with the baby on her knees, and… Was the baby… _Laughing_?

“How did you do that? We’ve been trying to calm him down for at least an hour,” Fitz asked, approaching them.

“I don’t know, maybe he’s happy to see me again,” Daisy said, smiling at li’l AC. “Besides, you know I’ve always been his favorite.”

“Well, if you weren’t before, you’ll certainly be now,” Jemma said, plopping down on the floor and hugging her folded legs. “This time I’m _definitely_ going to be court-martialed,” she went on, her words coming out muffled because she’d buried her face in her knees. Fitz leaned on the desk next to her and placed a calming hand on the top of her head just as none other than Melinda May marched into the lab, stone-faced.

“Explain,” she gritted out, stopping in front of them with her hands clenched in tight fists by her hips.

All of the bus kids’ heads snapped up and terror washed over their faces. The lab techs scattered. The baby, however, gurgled in delight at the sound of her voice and rolled his adorable little head around to smile at her.

Letting his shoulders drop, Fitz pinched the root of his nose and said, “It’s… complicated.”

“Well, un-complicate it, then. Now,” May said, moving to take the baby from Daisy’s lap and hold it up in front of her, looking through narrowed eyes at his beaming face. “Yeah, it’s Coulson alright,” she said and set him down on the nearest table. After a pointed sigh that made the troublemaking trio’s blood run cold with fear of what might ensue, she sat down on a chair with her elbows on her knees across from the three and said, “So, FitzSimmons, what’s the plan?”

“There _is_ no plan as of yet, since we don’t even know what we did,” Jemma said dejectedly.

“I just got pulled out of a field op with the words ‘FitzSimmons turned Coulson into a baby in the lab,’” May said, her tone disconcertingly composed. “You may outrank me now, Simmons, but with Coulson incapacitated, this team is still my responsibility. So, you better figure it out, because this is bad, even by our standards.” She leveled a look at everyone and after a breath said, “Okay, I’ll go warm this up in the kitchen,” picking up the baby bottle and formula the random agent had picked up from the drugstore along with the diapers, “and I want to hear a plan of action when I get back, understood?”

The three nodded their heads in agreement and Jemma took Fitz’s hand to help her off the floor.

“Okay, plan of action, plan of action… We can do that, right you are,” Simmons said, looking at Fitz pleadingly, and he gave her a reassuring smile. Baby Coulson sat on the table, playing with his feet under the giant shirt.

“Guys…” Daisy started, “he has both his arms. How does he have both his arms? Did you de-age him, or did you send him back in time or something?”

FitzSimmons stared at each other for a beat, and then Jemma rushed to the table. She unbuttoned the top of the big shirt, finding that the tot did indeed have two full, fleshy, functioning arms, and lacked a very defining scar in the middle of his chest. Simmons stood there, looking at it, more puzzled that she’d ever been in her life. “Ugh, how do we even know it’s him,” she asked nervously, rubbing her creased forehead with the back of her hand. What the baby did have, though, was a tiny bump on the side of his neck with a little purple cap-like thing visible underneath the skin. Jemma was coming very close to hyperventilating now.

“Retinal scan!” Fitz shouted, holding up a finger. “Retinal patterns don’t change. Just bring him to a wall panel and see if the door opens! It’s the fastest way, a DNA analysis would take ages.”

Immediately, Daisy picked up li’l Phil and scurried to the nearest vault door, FitzSimmons at her heels. Agents in the halls were giving them curious glances, and they knew what had happened was probably the talk of the base at that point, but there was no time to think about that now. They had to fix what they’d done before Director Mace came back from his trip, or there was no knowing what he’d do. Maybe he’d reassign them to his personal briefcase-carrying crony squad. They found a panel and Daisy had to coax the baby to turn his eyes to it, and several attempts to keep him still long enough later, the door clicked open, the panel brightly displaying the name and photo of (adult) Agent Phil Coulson, Level Blue. They all let out the breath they’d been holding, Simmons even clapping a little bit. With that sorted, they rushed back to the lab. Once inside, they asked the rest of the staff to vacate it, but to stay on call. As the others shuffled out and FitzSimmons were conferring quietly in a corner, Daisy shrugged off her leather jacket and laid it down on the table, wrapping the baby up in it over the shirt. “You better not poop it up, Pip, or you’ll be buying me a new one,” she said to him with a chuckle.

When May walked in with Mack in tow and warm bottle in hand, they found FitzSimmons busying themselves around in the far corner of the lab and Daisy appearing to be singing a lullaby to a giggling baby that was trying to grab at her hair. Mack approached her, saying in his booming voice “Girl, is this _for real_?”

“I’m afraid it is, Big Bear,” Daisy said, straightening up to hug him as May took over from her with the baby.

“Man, you’re back for five minutes and you’re already causing trouble,” Mack teased her.

“In my defense, my part was an accidental side effect, it’s the happy couple _over there_ that was playing ‘kill the Inhuman’ who did this,” Daisy replied, a hint of irritation in her voice.

“Nah, the suspension gun? It just delays Terrigenesis until the person wants to go through it. You know they’d never make something like that. Although, I don’t know how _that_ happened,” he said, pointing at the small child now guzzling from a bottle in May’s arms. They walked over to them, the large man leaning over the infant once again, saying lowly “ho _ly_ _mack_ erel,” eliciting a soft chuckle and a head shake from Daisy. Soon after, FitzSimmons approached them as well, both holding tablets in hand.

“Okay, plan of action, Agent May,” Simmons started, putting on her best professional face and looking the woman square in the eye.

“Item number one,” she interrupted her as she was patting the back of the child on her shoulder, “someone’s gonna need to put a diaper on him, because that milk is gonna start coming out of the other end soon,” she said, her face matter-of-fact. “And _I’m_ not doing it because it’s not my mess to clean up.”

“Well, _I’m_ definitely not doing it,” Fitz said, his eyes wide, and did a 180 on his heels, hurrying back to his desk. Jemma just stood there wincing and put her protective goggles on, steeling herself.

“Oh, don’t even look at _me_ ,” Daisy said when the others turned her way. “That would be _hella_ awkward. He and I are close, but not _that_ kind of close,” she continued. “It would be crossing a line, and quite frankly, gross,” she said, screwing up her face. So they just stood there for a few seconds, looking at each other expectantly, not saying a word.

“Oh, for the love of God, I’ll do it,” Mack volunteered, shaking his head in disapproval. “You people are such children, no wonder we’re in this jam in the first place.” The young agents seemed like they wanted to be offended, but felt too guilty. As Mack started unpacking a diaper, they all promptly turned away and scurried over to Fitz’s desk.

“Okay, _now_ plan of action, Agent Simmons,” May said.

“Yes, Ma’am,” Simmons began, when May sent an unamused glare her way. “Miss?” Simmons tried again, cringing. “ _Sir_?” she said, frightened at this point, earning herself an eye roll from the team’s resident ninja. “Alright, _Agent May_ , here’s what we know,” Simmons continued, determined to get back on track. “We went over the formula again, and it seems that the reagents calibrated to act promptly and effectively on Inhuman DNA at the point of restructuring were far too potent for regular human DNA not undergoing mutation. Now, given Agent Coulson’s previous exposure to GH-325, our hypothesis is that the formula got… confused, so to speak, by the discrete DNA strands, the Inhuman one being inactive, and instead of suspending a mutation, it latched on to the human chromosomes and acted on the damage caused by aging. I mean, it’s just a hypothesis, but this might prove _quite_ revolutionary. Just _imagine_ the good we could do with an age-reversing formula! And to discover it by accident! We could _easily_ win the… What?” Simmons asked when she saw the side-eye everyone was giving her.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be celebrating any groundbreaking discoveries just yet,” Fitz said to her, lowering his head.

“Right, focusing on a solution,” Simmons said as if to herself and turned to the others. “Now, we posit that it would be enough to simply remove the implant from his neck, which although pretty straightforward, I don’t feel confident enough to do on my own, so I’d strongly recommend flying in a pediatric surgeon,” she said.

“Give me some names and I’ll start making calls,” May said with a nod.

“I’ll compile a shortlist and e-mail it to you in just a few minutes, but I feel like we first must discuss how to proceed in case of… procedure failure,” Simmons said, looking uncomfortable.

“What, like him dying!?” Daisy said, starting to panic and causing Mack’s head to whip up in concern from gazing at the now sleeping baby in his giant arms.

“No, she means not reverting back to his real age, I presume,” May chimed in.

“Yes,” Simmons confirmed.

“The implant was designed to release small doses of the suspension reagents at set time intervals, much like an insulin pump,” Fitz explained. “Removing it would, in theory, cause the Terrigenesis process to resume once the effect of the remaining substance in the subject’s system has worn out. However, given how this was only version 1.3, completely untested, and we’ve cocked up massively and don’t exactly know what happened, I’d put his chances of full recovery at around 70% if we went through with it.”

“But that’s good, right? Those are good odds,” Daisy said, hopeful.

“Yes, but there’s another thing to consider as well,” Fitz continued, tilting his head down.

“And what’s that?” May asked.

“Whether we should,” Fitz said, looking back up at them.

Mack, having put the sleeping Coulson down on the table now, gently padded over to where the others were having what seemed like a very serious discussion.

“What!? Why?” Daisy said a bit loudly and was shushed by Mack.

“Well, barring the risks of undergoing the operation, however minor, there are other… aspects to consider,” Simmons said. “Particularly the fact that all the injuries he’d incurred over the course of his life and career as an agent seem to have vanished, complete with re-growing a quarter of an arm, which you must admit, is nothing short of miraculous…” Jemma trailed off, getting excited again.

“Jesus, what did you put in that thing, lizard genes?” Daisy asked playfully.

“No, but we _did_ incorporate some processes found in _several_ species capable of protracted periods of hibernation…”

“How about we stay on task for now, Teacup,” Mack said to Simmons gently, “and you can start writing that award-winning paper _after_ we’ve brought our man Coulson back.”

“But you see, that’s the thing,” Fitz said. “Look at him. He can’t be more than seven months old right now, and not a scratch on him. No traumas, no painful memories, just a tabula rasa wee ‘un, not a care in the world. I think we should at least _consider_ that the best thing for him might not be to bring him back to the way he was before.”

“No,” May said firmly, shaking her head.

“I know, but just think about it, May,” Fitz pleaded, his palms pressed together. “A baby born this year could live to be a 100, even. Middle-aged Coulson, the man we know and love, yes, would have, what – 20, 30 years more, and how many of them good? Besides, he could get killed tomorrow, now that he’s back in the field. This way, he could have a whole new life, a second chance, a do-over. Don’t you want that for him?”

“No, Coulson wouldn’t want that,” May was adamant.

Daisy, who had been standing there worrying her lower lip throughout this portion of the conversation, offered “I don’t know, May, I think Fitz might have a point there.”

The older woman exhaled, squared her shoulders and said “Look, I know what you kids are getting at, I do. But I’ve known Coulson for over 30 years, and I know that he wouldn’t want that. It would be a second lease on life, sure, but it would invalidate everything he’s done, everything he’s accomplished. This organization, this _life,_ is in his blood, it’s who he is. Leaving him like this would be taking away his legacy and all that sacrifice you mentioned would’ve been for nothing. He most likely wouldn’t remember any of it. I wouldn’t rob him of that. Remember how he felt about T.A.H.I.T.I.? That’s how he’d feel about this now. We’d be taking away his place in the world and in this family. Why do you think he’s still here, with us? He could’ve left at any time, started a new life. But he’s been here, with us, every step of the way. I wouldn’t overrule his personal decisions,” May concluded, now surrounded by teary-eyed, quiet agents all staring at their shoes.

After a minute, Mack said “You know, Turbo, I’m with May on this one. We don’t even know if it’ll work. Besides, you’ll still have that gun, so if it _does_ work and he _does_ decide he’d rather go back to his drooly state, y’all can just shoot him again.”

“ _Ugh,_ _Mack!_ ” the three younger agents yelled, annoyed, but he just chuckled. They, of course, managed to wake up the baby, who was now making gurgling sounds, and soon after, a foul smell started wafting in from that corner of the lab. The five stood still as May cocked an eyebrow, looking up at Mack.

“Oh, _hell_ no, you’re on your own,” he said, raising his hands in refusal. “I did the first one, you chuckleheads can deal with the payload,” he said and strode out of the lab.

Daisy let out a little disgusted “pff” and eyed the baby suspiciously from across the room as FitzSimmons started to bicker in hushed tones, gesticulating towards the product of their little “accident.”

“Simmons,” May said, starting to walk out of the lab, “I want that list of surgeons ASAP,” to which the young scientist nodded earnestly. When she reached the door, May turned around, saying “You know who I hear has a lot of experience with taking care of babies? Agent Nathanson,” and left with one corner of her mouth quirked up in a smile.

Fitz wasted no time calling Nathanson in to the lab due to a “PR emergency” – “Poop Relations,” he told Simmons after he hung up, overly amused with himself, to which she could only reply with a guilty half-smile and an affectionate eye roll before starting on that list.

 

 

“Stupid, stupid, stupid! Reckless and stupid! Wait, this sounds familiar. Why does this sound familiar? Have we had this conversation before?” Coulson asked his three youngest teammates standing by the side of his hospital bed. “My memory’s still a bit hazy.”

“We have, sir, yes,” Simmons said, smiling. “It was on a good day, like this one,” she reminisced, looking up at Fitz, who smiled back at her even though shivers ran down his spine at the thought of that particular episode of their lives.

“It’s good to have you back, AC,” Daisy said as she gave him a playful punch to the shoulder.

“Ow,” he joked, “keep your shaky hands off me, you bulldozer.”

“Okay, now _that_ hurts my feelings,” Daisy said, teasing back. “Besides, that’s a big word for a seven-month-old.”

“Oh, is that how it’s gonna be now, huh? Don’t make me have you all reassigned to guarding Blonsky’s cryo-cell.”

“I’d actually like to make some modifications…” Fitz started saying when everyone turned towards him questioningly. “Never mind, happy everyone’s alive and well, won’t be tinkering with anything I’m not supposed to ever again,” he rattled out, turning his gaze to the ceiling.

“Suit yourself, but I’m really appreciating the overhaul,” the older agent said, flexing his somehow regrown left hand.

“Well, we’ll leave you to it, then,” Simmons said, and the three went to leave the room after saying goodbye.

“Oh, and by the way,” Daisy said, poking her head back through the door, “you might want to recommend Nathanson for a commendation,” and exited again with a wink and a cheeky grin.

“Wait, what? Why? Daisy! Come back here, young lady!” Coulson yelled from his bed, but they were already further down the hall and laughing hysterically.

 

 

That night, when FitzSimmons went to bed exhausted but still couldn’t fall asleep from all the residual adrenaline, Simmons said softly “Fitz?”

“Hmm,” he replied groggily.

“Let’s make a pact.”

“What kind of pact,” he asked.

“That we’ll modify the formula to work on regular humans as well and, when we’re 80, we’ll shoot each other with the Boo-Boo gun, together.”

Fitz chuckled. “Okay, deal. One thing though – we’re not calling it that.”

“Why? It’s just the kind of silly name you’d give it.”

“Exactly, and it’s just the kind of silly name you’d veto,” he told her, rolling over to wrap his arm around her when he saw her smiling.

“Ugh, we’ve become an old married couple who’ve turned into each other already, maybe we should just shoot each other with it right now,” she said.

“I don’t know, I think I’d rather continue to engage in some very ‘adult’ activities with you for a while yet,” he teased, burying his face in the crook of her neck and starting to pepper it with little kisses. He encountered no resistance from her that night, or a million more.


End file.
